Sometimes the things that happen to us in life are a mystery. We are left with questions that go unanswered and hearts that have to be healed by time and God's great love.
We were fortunate enough to go through a joyous experience of finding out we'd be welcoming a new baby bundle into our lives in November, only to find out that it wasn't God's final plans. It came and went almost too fast to process. This was the most devastating and detrimental thing I've ever experienced. I felt as if the whole world was put on pause and I was out of my body watching this disastrous event unfold.
There is no name for a mother who has lost a child. If I was to loose my husband (God forbid) I'd be a widow. But under the list of things I am, mother, wife, daughter, sister...etc, you won't find anything to suggest I've lost something so precious, because there is just no words to describe it.
When disaster happens to other people, you pray for them and do anything you can for them but in the back of your mind you are thinking, Man, there is no way something like that will happen to me and my family... Until it does. I've been struggling. Everyday, my heart aches and I'm constantly reminded of the devastation we've been dealt. I've thought to myself on many occasions, Why am I hurting and stuck in this rut and everyone else has moved on? These thoughts were consuming my life.
When I started this blog, I wanted it to be all about how sad I was really feeling and about the grief I've had to work through (not to mention oodles of anger). But when I really sat down and thought about it, everyone goes through terrible things, but how you come out on the other end really defines who you are to the core. I want what has happened to me and my family to be a piece of my life that has shaped me. I don't want the tragedy I've experienced to be or define my life and who I am.
God's plans are perfect. Isaiah 14:24 says, "...Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand." We may never know why this happened. I honestly believe if I never find out, it's because I just wouldn't understand. God's perspective is so much broader than mine, I'd just never understand, and I'd be left doubting. This experience has made me grow up in a way that I never would have, had this not happened. I was listening to good ol' Charles Stanley one day and his words struck me. He said, "The thing that puts us on our knees, is what grows us up."
Detrimental things are made to shape you into a different/better person, not define who you are. 1Peter 1:6-7 says, "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
So there you have it. I am no longer letting this adversity have reign over who I am. The storm clouds are slowly rolling away and I can see the sun... I can see the sun...
Very beautifully written Jenna. I know what you are going through. I too let it take hold of me and it did for years. I would think constantly what about him or her. I did not have the time to grieve. Could not afford to take time off as we could not afford it. If I took time off a bill would not get paid. I finally was able to truly grieve after you lost your precious bundle. It was way too much for my mind to hang on to. I in turn lost it and sobbed uncontrollably for about 15 min. It's an ache in the heart that will always be there but it gets easier as the years pass. Don't know if this helps or hinders. Love ya.
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